Back To School!

So, last night was my first class. I'm not going to lie. I'm completely overwhelmed and thought to myself "what the hell am I doing here??" several times! It started before class even began. Some girl, who I can tell I will not like, was talking about History and you can tell she just thinks she's suuuuuper intelligent. Throughout the whole class she had this smirk on her face that made me want to smack her! However, I did make a new friend and I'm really happy about that! She and I both were feeling the same way after class, so I have a feeling we're going to bond throughout the semester!

This class is not going to help my anxiety, which is getting progressively worse as the days go by, at all. At one point last night I felt panicked because we were going to have to tell a little about ourselves and even my professor saw it on my face. Aaaand he called me out on it. I could just feel my face getting red. I'm hoping that since it's only one day a week, I can get by with only a few panic attacks. We shall see though. We already have two assignments due by next week and one of them is an essay on a book about footnotes. Footnotes? Seriously?? I know, I know. This is all a part of becoming a Historian, but that doesn't mean it's always going to be fun and interesting! haha!

In other news, the hubs and I are 90% debt free!! I can't tell you what a relief this is. The day we paid off several of our bills, I cried I was so happy. It just felt like the world was lifted right off my shoulders. Things are lining up for us quite nicely and I couldn't be happier!

It's finally starting to cool off in the evenings here and Fall is definitely in the air! I think this also has a lot to do with my depression slowly, but surely, going away! You know how Fall/Winter depresses some people? It has the opposite effect on me. I don't wear sundresses or shorts, so I just don't get excited like everyone else does. Now Fall/Winter? I get excited! The area I live in is absolutely gorgeous this time of year and it's during this time, I couldn't imagine living anywhere else! I love the leaves, the pumpkins, Halloween, sweaters, coats and football! It all makes me very happy!

What about you guys? What's your favorite part of Fall?

I'm exhausted.

I am just flat out exhausted in every aspect of my life. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I really believe there isn't much more I can take. I'm struggling with feelings of being unworthy and just plain not good enough. It sucks. Big time.

I should be thankful I have a job in such a bad economy. I should be glad its a job that is looked at as "respectable". I should be extremely grateful that I have insurance provided for me by my job. And that's why I feel so guilty for saying I absolutely hate my job. I'm tired of having to deal with one person telling me one thing and two days later being told it was done wrong by another person. One day last week, I had to stop working on a customer's transaction because I was so stressed with everything that I broke down bawling. Right in front of this man! I was mortified! Of course, he was extremely sweet about it but I felt really unprofessional! I know every job you have will have its problems, but if I was teaching, if I was doing something I really loved, I wouldn't mind those problems as badly. Like I said, this is a respectable job, but this isn't for me. This isn't what I want for me. I'm on salary, but when it is broken down, I'm barely making $8 an hour. I feel like such a failure for being here and not teaching. I refuse to live the rest of my life this way. I know that there lots of people out there struggling and that things could be a lot worse. I know that, so please don't leave me comments telling me that. One time, a few years ago, I said I wanted a good job to where I didn't have to live paycheck to paycheck. One of my coworkers at the time told me that such a thing didn't exist, that everyone lives paycheck to paycheck. Um, I'm calling BS on that one. I see people around me all the time that aren't living paycheck to paycheck, that can buy a new vehicle, that can go shopping without feeling guilty over it and those who can just up and take a vacation like nothing. I want that, not only for myself but for when I have children. I don't want my children to feel guilty for asking to go to the movies. I want to be able to take them on fun vacations. I know I'll have to work hard for it. I don't want it handed to me. I know that a lot of these people who are comfortable now struggled in the beginning, but I just keep wondering to myself when is it going to be my turn to be "comfortable"?

I'm meeting the Graduate Coordinator today after work to discuss my schedule for this Fall. I'm not dreading it, but I'm not exactly looking forward to it. I've wanted this for as long as I can remember. But, looking at my current situation, I can't help but think is this going to be worth it? Is this going to be worth going into more debt for something that, from the way things are looking right now, I'll never use? Why spend countless hours of stressing over my thesis or reading 100 pages before class the next day? Then I tell myself. I want this. This is something I've wanted and whether I ever use it, I'll be proud to say I have it!

I know I said no more "Debbie Downer" posts, but sometimes you just gotta vent a little! I hope you guys are doing a heck of a lot better than me!