"We're just treading water here and trying our damndest."

The above words were spoken by one of my classmates last night and when she said them, I literally gave her a high five.

Last night was the worst class I've had yet. I was seriously in tears at the end of it. As my friend Eliza said, each class leaves me feeling more and more discouraged. Going into this, I knew it was going to be hard and I knew it was going to involve tons of reading and tons of writing. I wasn't naive enough to believe it would be like undergrad and I could crank out a paper in no time. Strangely, I'm okay with that. It's overwhelming, but it's something that I can get used to. It's something that I just have to do and hopefully, it'll be my best.

But, last night. Last night was so different. We had to read "Becoming A Historian" by Melanie S. Gustafson. It wasn't a difficult read and the first few pages I read made me feel better. The way she described M.A. and Ph.D students was exactly how I felt! But, the more I read, the more discouraged I felt. In one part, she says that if you're a woman, person of color or gay/lesbian in some places, you're encouraged not to study those fields. Seriously?? It's like telling a man he can't write about a man! She then goes on to say how hard it is for women to get a job and all that. And in our class discussion, our professor agreed with it. I just kept thinking "Why am I wasting my time??" It's infuriating, to say the least.

After class, we had to turn in an assigment. It was me and two other girls left, and my professor asked how we were feeling. Well, we just unloaded everything on him! I don't think he was expecting it! I was trying so hard to explain to him how I was feeling and I just couldn't get it out. This is where my subject comes in! The third girl told our professor that the class was "intellectually intimidating, that we're all trying so hard to prove to everyone else that we belong here." This lead to a nice talk with our professor and he assured us that we're doing fine and that'll be okay. I felt a bit better after that, but I'm still just...overwhelmed. A second year told us that by next semester we'll be so used to it, it won't even bother us. Let's hope so!