Just ramblin'.

Do you ever wonder why your life is the way it is? Why some people have a bad life and others have good lives? Many times I've asked myself "why can't I be as lucky as that person?" or "why can't things go like I planned?" or "what is so bad about me or something I have done in the past for me to deserve something like this?". This week definitely has been one of those weeks for me. Its been a difficult one, to say the least. I've beat myself up all week over things I have no control over. My self-esteem and mood levels have hit an all time low. Its a huge mess.

For almost two years now, I've hoped for a job to open up at my old high school. And every year, it seems like it just might be my year. The county has offered a retirement package and, from what I've heard, the teacher who I'm hoping to replace (sounds awful, doesn't it?) just might take the package if its good enough. And from that same teacher's very lips, I was told I'm at the top of the list if a position becomes available. So, I'm thinking this coming year is my year. This is it. I'm finally going to be a teacher! Wrong. The county has decided to cut their budget by $4.5 million. I was crushed. A lot of teachers are afraid they're going to get cut, so why in the world would they hire little old me? On the front page of the paper the other day was an article saying that there are 47 teachers taking the retirement package, so that helps tremendously with the budget cut. It may not be as drastic as they thought! I'm not getting my hopes up though. I always do, only to have them crushed! It depressing, really. I mean, I went to school for 4.5 years and I worked my butt off the entire time. I took out student loans that I can't pay back right now, so I keep having to defer on them. And for what? So, I can work here, making barely over minimum wage and throw that $20,000+ I spent on an education down the drain. If I don't get a teaching job by this time next year, my provisional license will expire. I'm not sure what will happen after that? I don't think that type of license is renewable, so there goes my teaching career before it even started. Wonderful.

Kevin and I want children...bad. But, I wonder all the time how we're ever going to be able to afford them. Everyone keeps telling us if you wait until you can afford them, you'll never have them. That's fine and all, but I'd like to be comfortable when I have them. I don't want to have to scrounge up money just to go to the store to buy diapers or formula. I don't want it to be a big deal if they want to go to the movies with friends or get a nice outfit. I want to have a nice house, not rent some run down townhouse b/c its all we can afford. If I don't ever get a teaching job, I just don't see that happening. And that breaks my heart.

There are some other things going on in my life, as well. I can't really discuss them, but they've really got me down. I'm angry, bitter, hurt and just down right heartbroken all at the same time. I wish I could just get really angry and let it all out, but if I did that, I'd feel horrible. I'd feel so guilty. It's a lose-lose situation if I ever saw one. I know I have every right to be hurt and angry, but that doesn't make the situation any better. Its one of those things that if you just leave it alone, it'll all blow over...but, three months from now, the same thing will happen again and we'll have to start all over. I feel if I can just let it all out, maybe it won't happen again? Yeah, right. Like I said, its a lose-lose situation.

I'm so ready for the weekend. I literally want to go home Friday evening and not come back out until Monday morning. I just might do that. I have a lot of cleaning to catch up on since I haven't done a thing this week. I used our last towel this morning and my last clean pair of work pants. Laundry is definitely a must this evening.

Sorry to be such a debbie downer! I hope you guys are having a better week than I am!