My Mamaw

I talk a lot about my mamaw. I think about her everyday. She truly was one of the most amazing, if not the most amazing person I have ever known. She was a petite little thing. When I was in third grade, I could wear her size 6 shoes and was just as tall as she was. I passed her up pretty quickly and, thanks to her cooking, never stayed as skinny as she was! I can still remember how soft her skin was and how pretty her hands were. Her knuckles were big, but I still wanted my hands to always look like hers! Of course, I have chubby hands and fingers. She always took care of her nails and always wore her rings. Her fingers were so little that her rings never stayed where they should. The diamonds were always sliding to the side of her fingers. She always wore keds, capri pants and little knit shirts. Every Friday she went to get her hair done at a beauty shop in town. I only heard her curse once or twice the entire fifteen years I had her. And as I got older, I realized how much of an impact the death of my papaw had on her. And I never ever realized how she truly held our family together.

I once asked her if she was going to have a sweetheart for Valentine's Day and she said that her sweetheart had left her and she'd never have another one. In the year or so before she passed away, her mental health began to decline. She was forgetful and sometimes she'd say things in a really hateful manner and then turn right around and be fine. She told my mom that everyone thought she was crazy, but she really just missed papaw. The Tuesday before she passed away, the doctor diagnosed her with alzheimer's. He told my dad and my aunt that they needed to take her truck keys away because he thought if she got out, she wouldn't make it back. So, they did and it killed her. They told her that she had lost them. And, love her heart, she had everyone of them in the front yard looking for her keys. Wednesday was the last time I saw her. Every five seconds, she was hugging my sister and me, telling us how proud of us she was and how much she loved us. All that week, she said little remarks to people..kinda like she knew? She told my uncle Jackie that everyone was going to be there that weekend, but she told my mom she didn't need anything from the grocery store. She told the florist that he was gonna be making the flowers for her casket soon and they better be pretty. And they were. She passed away on Saturday that week, the day before Mother's Day. We had just gotten back from shopping for her present and noticed her blinds were still open. She never had them open after dark. My dad told me to keep calling until she answered, but Dad was the one who answered. I've never felt so bad for my dad and even my mom. I couldn't imagine how they felt when they found her. My dad told me the hardest thing you'll ever have to do is bury your mother.

After she passed away, our little family fell apart. I was only fifteen, so I don't know what happened. For years, I didn't get to speak to any of my cousins. I didn't know what any of them were doing or how they were. And the same for my aunts and uncles. I'd pass a few of them in town and they'd speak to me, but it was never for as long as I wanted. Finally, me and my cousins have gotten to the point where we've decided whatever happened, happened between our parents, not us. And its been so fun catching up with them! We're all really busy with our own lives, but we've had one mini-reunion and we're planning on having a Christmas dinner next Saturday! I'm really excited! It may be too late for my dad and his siblings to make amends, but it isn't us. Like my cousin Felicia says, once they're gone, we're gonna be all we all have.

Sorry for rambling, I've just this on my mind a lot lately! Some other events have happened in the past month, but I can't post about that yet. There are still some things to be discussed. But, believe me, once I can, you'll be hearing all about it!